Great news everyone! Cannibalism has FINALLY been accepted in the world!
Mmmm, that’s imitable. That encourages me to go eat my little brother. (I WILL be the favorite son.)
When im not out party rocking or making bank, im usually laying around my house, mainly helping run errands with my mom. Those pesky weeds aren’t gonna remove themselves you know? And how about those guys leaving their underwear everywhere? The living room isn’t your hamper. This is a free country, but under this roof your liberties will be restricted to the laws of sanitation. Jeez, men right? So typical, with their skiddy butt huggers laying everywhere. I propose an idea! Let’s all go watch Pitch Perfect and then we can talk about how great Ellen is, or accept the fact that our boyfriend’s aren’t Ryan Gosling. There comes a point in every woman’s life where they realize that.
Wait a second….im a dude. How the hell did i get here? Oh yeah!
So when im at home im usually helping out my mom with some odd job, or in this case i was watching the tube. That is where i came across the rather bizarre commercial above. Not only does the one crunch lick the other in a passive sexual manner, it is then EATEN. (In one impressive bite i might add.)
Cannibalism folks, has no longer been implied in society but now accepted. If that’s not bad enough, how do we not know if they were brothers? Cannibalism and incest are two ingredients for a bad day and very awkward dinner conversations. And not just because you’re probably eating your neighbor’s meaty parts. I should’ve known all the rock music would come to this. Damn you Jerry Lee Lewis, damn you.
Before i continue with the cannibal subject, i just want to address another commercial i came across that raised my brow. Since were talking touchy subjects.
Okay take a second to soak in that commercial…..what…..THE HELL? Seriously? The Arby’s logo wasn’t insinuating anything, just a “coincidence”. I have a personal vendetta against this food chain after seeing that commercial. Next time i go to the drive thru they’re getting the soda grenade treatment. Know who probably wrote that commercial? A man! Don’t even get me started on that again. (7:30. My House. Pitch Perfect. Ellen. Gosling. Be there or be fail.)
Let’s bring our attention back to the cannibal subject. After giving it some thought i guess the news ain’t all too bad. I mean after all Marijuana is becoming legalized in many states, and that stuff is sure to kill you! So i read. I’m sure you’re all aware that cannibalism is just a genetic disorder, much like baldness or necrophilia. So if someone says they’d like a bite of your thyroid, just simply look up at them, smile, and say thank you. Because 1, thats a compliment. And 2, they just can’t help it. They were just born that way….baby? I feel that i said that wrong? (*mumbling to self*) “I’m on the right track cause baby i was born this way-hey!” Ahh! There we go.
Since were finally warming up to eating others, i guess im not ashamed to introduce you all to my friend. His name is Hannibal Lecter.
Hannibal bears a strong resemblance to Anthony Hopkins, but please dont mention that. It’ll embarrass him. And when you embarrass him he might just eat your liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti (fft fft fft fft fft) I assure you that this is the REAL Hannibal Lecter. And Hannibal along with everyone else has feelings. So before you get all high and mighty, “I eat cow, look at me.” think about the battles this poor man is facing. I mean hell, just look at his face for crying out loud. Wearing a mask like that ain’t no walk in the park, and he isn’t encouraging S&M either you sick pervert. Hannibal is just like all of us, yeah he may be a little different, but aren’t we all a little off our rocker? Nobody is normal i tell you! Jeez, i should be one of those Philoso-phizer’s.
Allow me to propose another idea to you kind folks. Why dont we induct Lecter as the official mascot for Cinnamon Toast Crunch? That old hag Wendall had a plenty share of the limelight, let’s open it up to the ones that truly deserve it. Who’s with me? I can see it now.
Cannibal Toast Crunch – “The taste you can see……Clarice.”
I dont know about you, but i think we’re on the brink of a breakthrough in evolving society here.
Daniel's Utopia of Euphoria. 