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Dat Assh-ton

I had an epiphany strike me tonight while i was at my home away from home. That being, Burger King. And no, it wasn’t that if i continued my burger diet, that i will probably die.

No this thought is more important that my pointless death, as a matter of fact it’s about a friend.

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My friend Dylan.

The epiphany was that i never mentioned that guy in a blog post yet, something that i vowed to do right away. I failed the clan. And more importantly, i failed you Dylan. I was reminded of this abomination by none other than “the great one” when i was sinking my teeth into the delicious double cheeseburger. A cheeseburger that will inevitably result in my untimely demise.

I said, “Don’t worry Dylan, i’ll mention you in a blog post soon enough. I just need to focus on other things in my life right now, like establishing world peace and regrouping the White Stripes-” But that crazy bastard wasn’t having it. He swatted the heart attack right out of my hands, held me up against the wall by my bib and said, and i quote:

“You are physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, vulgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid, you have no taste, a lousy sense of humor and you smell.”

Just kidding. He didn’t say any of that. I just wanted to go out of my way to use a Cher quote in this post.

If anyone knows Dylan, they know that Cher is essential and must be included. If not, you’re in danger of the gallows.

Little did Dylan know that instead of mentioning him in a mediocre sentence, that i would instead devote an entire blog post to him for all of my 10 billion fans to see. What’s that you say? The world only occupies 7 billion people? Yes i’m aware of this. However i doubt you’re aware that even the angels in Heaven are regulars to my blog. They’re always like, “Daniel, when you writing a new blog dawg?” and im always like, “Maaaan, don’t you have someone to be saving right now?”

Even the demons in Hell have my blog liberties. To them, my blog is the rarest joy that they’ll ever witness. A joy more rare than finding a Burger King bathroom that’s actually clean. I keep ignoring that fact since im a devoted patron of the BK lounge. I’m sorry, i keep getting sidetracked by that place.

This post is about Dylan. How could you describe him? I have a few words:

Intelligent, Bold, Talented, Trustworthy, Kind, Likable, Elegant, Funny, Rare, Incredible, Unfathomable, Awesome, Striking, Humble, Majestic, Generous, Inspirational, Considerate, Amiable, Creative, Fabulous, Just, Outstanding, Incredible. What, i already said that? I was emphasizing.

Those are just to name a few. I’m proposing right now that Dylans presence should be followed by a cake, as well as a hallelujah choir. Currently im at work on copyrighting his name, for every time somebody says it they will owe Dylan a dollar. But before you think that’s selfish, all the money that Dylan receives will actually go towards an academy that will educate underprivileged students the skills on how to be as awesome as Dylan. It will be called “Dylan’s Academy of Awesome.” (DAA)

I think a formal education like DAA is required to reach the level of Dylan’s novelty. Anyone who knows Dylan (which is everybody) can agree on that one. Take what these celebrities have to say about Dylan for example:

“Dylan Ashton? That kid is as cool as my mustache.”Tom Selleck

“One time Dylan punched me in the face. I’m never washing my face again.”Chuck Norris

“Wow. Just wow.”Jesus Christ

I don’t know about you, but that last one is moving.

To express my appreciation, i’ve written Dylan a poem. To be more appropriate, im going to compose it in his second language, French. Cause if anyone knows Dylan, they know that he’s all about the french. Or should i say, Francais.

This poem will be titled in Dylan’s french name, Dylan.

Dylan

Dylan, vous êtes tout.
Vous pouvez changer le monde avec un swing simple
Vous avez touché quelques grands notes quand vous chantez.

Vous faites chacun faire une double prise.
Im envisage sérieusement sur ​​ce gâteau.

Vous pourriez peut-être jamais déranger personne.
Il est sûr de dire que vous êtes pur comme une nonne.

Le monde wouldnt la même sans vous.
Votre absence causerait un boo universel.

Alors s’il vous plaît pour l’amour du monde Ne pas nous laisser partir.
Il ya beaucoup de gens qui veulent que vous sachiez que,

Dylan, vous êtes tout.

Like it? I learned french overnight to write that bad boy. What, you don’t believe me? You think i used Google translate? Listen, if Iron Man can become an expert in thermonuclear astrophysics overnight then who says i can’t learn french? Haters.

Dylan is the pinnacle of human existence, and i along with many others are lucky to have a friend like him in my life. Dylan, you’re the best. Here is your blog post, i hope you liked it.

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One last thing to mention before i go, and i know it’s been on all your minds. Anyone who knows Dylan knows that his butt is equivalent to that of a black woman’s. (Somewhat out of this world if you may.) Curiosity takes on the toll of all who see it, and anyone who’s rational wonders, “Is it as comfortable as a pillow?”

So yes, i had the chance to lay on it once upon a time. And pardon my french, but Dylan’s rump is so comfortable that you would be quick to forget that he shits out of it.

\m/