5-D

Before you embark on the wonderful mystery that is my blog, i must inform you in advance that just because of the title, NO, this post isn’t about bra sizes. You mewling quim. So please leave your wisecracks, kneeslappers, and good humor at the door. Because this isn’t a place for jokes, and if anyone thinks that then they just bought themselves a one way ticket to Hell. That being, the chokey. So save it for a mammal that cares.

mammal

So what’s the hot topic today Daniel? What’s the scuttlebutt? I’ll tell you what the butt is.

The butt is hollywood re-releasing every frakin movie in theaters that you already own.

IN 3-D 

I’d understand the magic of re-releasing a film that you were too young to experience in a theater, that’s cool and everything. However the catch is evident when it’s in the 3rd dimension, and you have to double your ticket price. That’s not cool fellas, that hurts.

There have been many film’s in recent years that have been re-released in 3-D. Films such as Titanic, Lion King, Jurassic Park, Star Wars, Finding Nemo, the list can go on for miles. And despite us loving practically all of the above (with an exception of that one “Phantom Menace”) You and i both know it’s not worth nearly $20 to watch something in 3-D that you’ve owned for years. I mean do you really need to re-witness these?

“Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.”

IN 3-D

“There was this mollusk, and he walks up to this sea cucumber. Normally, they don’t talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke everyone talks. So the sea mollusk says to the cucumber…Nemo!”

IN 3-D

“Meesa Jar Jar Binks!

IN…no i’ll just stop there.

I think most people are pretty content with their 2 Titanic tapes, practically everyone i know own it. PLUS, you even have the option of just popping in the second tape instead of watching the whole movie. You the viewer, have the liberty of skipping right to the portion of the movie where everyone dies!

IN 2-D

The only film on the list that i would MAYBE see in 3-D is of course, Jurassic Park.

What? You think i want to see it for the groundbreaking visuals that proved it to be a breakthrough for it’s time? Hell no! We all just wanna see Jeff Goldblum in all of his natural glories!

the goldblum

That’s a lot of Goldlblum. Can you handle all that Goldblum? They should’ve just named it Goldblum Park.

I miss the good old days, when 3-D was actually someone extending their index finger in your face saying, “Look over THERRRRE!” At least they were humble attempts to interact with the audience, and of course it’s silly. You’re watching a movie while wearing glasses that have red and blue plastic lenses, what were you expecting? The Godfather?

“I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse.”

IN 3-D

Don’t expect super quality cinema when it look’s like you’ve just walked out of a disco tripping on E.

Hell, i’ll even settle for Shark boy and Lava girl as an original 3-D movie. And that…is being VERY generous. Come on Robert Rodriguez, WHY? The world knows you could’ve done better. You had us all sold with El Mariachi and “Mexican’t”.

And guys, for the love. What the hell. What the HELL is THIS?

glasses

Why are they trying to make 3-D glasses hip? Those glasses don’t make me wan’t to watch a silly movie. They make me want to bust out singing Greased Lightning. And boy i’ll tell you, it’s already an obstacle to not do that on a daily.

Lightn1

You know what, since so many are keen to succumbing to money guzzling schemes such as re-releasing films in 3-D, i’ll develop the category. I believe we’ve evolved all the way up to 4-D in technology. An example of the 4th dimension being, say while watching a film a character sneezes. When said person sneezes, you’d get a spritz of water on you. Or so we’d like to think.

That’s the 4-D kicking in, that’s right. You payed $70 to get sprayed in the face with what you’re hoping is water.

Not me, Im going to make sure you get your moneys worth America.

Instead i will introduce 5-D to the show business. My idea is similar to the 4th dimension, however i’d like more so to get the audience involved rather than having some playful water sprayed on you. Or so we’d like to think.

No no, my idea will be much more different. Pertaining to the situations on the screen, you will have objects thrown at you. Example, let’s say a drive by is occurring in your latest mob flick.

All i can say is i hope you brought your bulletproof vests.

Essentially what i’m getting at here is, if you’re not killed by the hatchet thrown in your general direction, then you may have your money back. And Godspeed. You’ve earned it.

People will be dying to see my films, NOW THAT’S GOOD CINEMA.

\m/

Oh one more thing, help this girl get a good scholarship. She’s pretty great.

http://www.wyzant.com/scholarships/v3/essay80033-Easton-PA.aspx

All you have to do is click on the voting button, it’s that easy!

‘merica!

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Don’t chatter! Gossiping borders on treason!

You know me. And i know me. And i know that you know that i know me. So you KNOW that the legend of the blog is way past due. Much like the rent. You must forgive me for not writing in a hot minute, my brother was home from the military for about 2 weeks so my family and i tried to make the best of him being here. Now that he’s on his way back, i too will resort back to my typing ways, and maybe even cry a little bit. Like you’ve anticipated. Uhh uh i mean men don’t cry, our eyes sweat.

I’m aware that you have eagerly been checking back on Danielfelushia.wordpress every 10-15 minutes. I’m aware that your wife/husband has been nagging you to come back to bed when you would persist that maybe, just MAYBE…if you stare at that computer screen and refresh the page enough, you’ll get something new. Well if that’s the case, then you’re a lucky man/woman. Cause here i am, ready to rock you like a hurricane.

The Scorpions rock out at a concert in Lithuania

Fuicanation, i am thrilled to have read up on some incredible news that i should have been fond of 4 months ago. And before you think i’m talking about Kim Kardashian’s weight gain, guess again universe.

The series that the world came to know as Gossip Girl was FINALLY put out of its misery as of December 17th. Why didn’t i hear of it? Odds are i was raving about Django Unchained so much as to not give a damn about anything else in the world. Kind of like how 4 month’s later, when i still rave about Django Unchained to not give a damn about anything else in the world.

With an exception of you, Ellen.

ellen1

Now i really don’t enjoy antagonizing, but when it comes to a show like this i can’t help it, especially when gossip is the pinnacle of what’s going down in that 22 minutes of No.

Gossip. Gossip gossip gossip gossip. Fuicazoids, can i be honest? Being a dude who strongly dislikes conflict, one can comfortably assume that i very much do not enjoy Gossip.

I do not like them. I do not like them Sam i am. I would not like it here or there, i do not enjoy gossip anywhere. (Do you like that? Came up with it totally by myself, i should be one of dem poets)

If you gossip about someone odds are someone’s talking about you as well. Who wins in these situations? Nobody! Yet EVERYBODY feels that gossip is a necessity next to breathing. And fine dining.

It’s as if you don’t gossip, then you don’t function like a normal human being. Which probably explains why i haven’t defecated in 3 weeks. Oh what, does the OFFEND you? It OFFENDS you that i don’t like gossip? Well what if it OFFENDS me when people talk behind others backs, HMMMMMMMM? Maybe you should be a little more sensitive to my bodily dysfunctions rather than ignorantly antagonizing me with fightin’ words, you ass.

So what if i don’t gossip, and so what if i don’t defecate? I’ll just die then. I’ll just die a slow and painful, crappy death, no pun intended. If i’m lucky you guys will probably gossip about that too.

“BAHAHAHA AND I EVEN HEARD HE DOWNED 3 BOTTLES OF LAXATIVE! WHAT AN IDIOT!

It really beats me to why people insist on gossip all the time. I’m up for some good conversation at anytime, but damn. I don’t want to hear about how unfortunate your boss looks like in yoga pants. It’s bad enough that you’re looking there in the first place you sick pervert, why can’t you be more perfect like me? Or Neil Patrick Harris?

neil-patrick-harris

It’s very hard to focus on what’s ahead of me in life when all i hear anymore is:

“Oh i heard!”

“Hey did you see?”

“I know right??”

“Obama”

“Oh i can’t believe he said that!”

“OH MY GOD!”

“Obama”

“Did you hear?”

“I have to show you what this person said!”

“That’s so not true!”

“Obama”

“Obama”

“OBAMA”

We all like to believe that the drama ends in high school but childrens, it does not. Just when you’re pushing your late 40’s and you think that you have the best of life, finally taming that receding hairline, punishing your son for listening to Creed, living the good life…one of these bad boys gets thrown into the picture.

Cooler - Bottle 016 (3)

Anybody who’s anybody knows that when you have one of these “waterjugs” in the office, you’re in for some thirst quenching issues. Trouble coming in the form of hatin’ words that you can easily avoid, thank God i’m here to save your hide! Save yourself the trouble and bring in a water bottle instead. Believe me, nothing says Kool like a water bottle.

kool

Let’s fast forward some time, you’re pushing around 65+. The problem’s of society no longer are really to your concern. Yes, what’s going on is relevant but you’re old now, and you don’t really give a crap. The only thing on your mind is when the refried beans will be served, or if that attractive nurse will stop by to “check up on you.” Dont you even worry, you got her in your pocket, old boy.

In this stage of your life, i bet you think “Hey, we’re all a little pruney now, what’s the worst that us old folks could say about one another?” ALAS. THESE ARE ALL LIES.

tania-spencer-2006-knitting-in-circles_(5)__medium

Don’t let the smiling faces deceive you, only a fool wouldn’t know that the knitting circle is a hot spot for all things gossip. My best advice in this situation, croak over and pretend to die. You’re older now, its viable. Maybe if it’s a good day, your favorite nurse will come over to “check up on you.”

Gossip is everywhere, all your life, all around you. And you will never be able to escape from it. UNLESS, when someone approaches you steaming up a hot gossip (you can see it in their eyes) don’t hesitate to give a swift roundhouse kick to the face. You shouldn’t be wary to break a hip or two, they had it coming, they only had themselves to blame. Aren’t you glad you take advice from me?

I bring on all the gossipers. Say something upsetting and expect to have your day made.

Expect it.

Expect it like you’re expecting Jesus to come back.

By the way this is completely off topic, but did you know that Renner is still Renner backwards? What a country.

renner

Here’s Looking At You, Kid

film 2

Give them pleasure. The same pleasure they have when they wake up from a nightmare.” – Alfred Hitchcock

Cinema is a matter of what’s in the frame and what’s out.” – Martin Scorsese

If you love movies enough, you can make a good one.” – Quentin Tarantino

When people go to a museum they can just stand there and admire all the paintings for hours. They have their own interpretations of what they see, and can get lost in the beauty of the art. Well to me, I see no difference when it comes to film. Recently i’ve been putting up some scenes from my favorite films on Facebook and i thought hell, why not write a blog about it. I’ll get it out of my system now so i can save my friends the misfortune of me fangirling about a movie in person. I assume very few actually know that the layout of my blog is actually based off the Alfred Hitchcock movie Vertigo, which was just ranked the greatest film of all time by Sight and Sound magazine.

http://explore.bfi.org.uk/sightandsoundpolls/2012

All my life i’ve been passionate about film, but was never really aware of how much passion. For as long as i could remember it’s been a part of me, I would go with my family to a store and i’d tell them where i’d go, they’d know where to find me if i wasn’t with them. I was in the movie department of course. Just observing all the movies, sometimes for as long as the time were at the store. Which could be hours at times. However It wasn’t until the past year after taking an film intro class for college that i understood the joy a movie brings, and its significance. That class was just the little push needed. Being so ecstatic for film may sound silly to some, because movies are something that most people would find mediocre. Like when you’re going to a movie with a bunch of friends, most wouldn’t really focus on the masterpiece in front of them. Until someone realizes how much goes into a film, Then one can truly understand the beauty of it.

What you need is that one movie that will blow the doors off to really progress your excitement. For the hour or so that you dedicate to a movie, your reality is engulfed to it. It isn’t your interest to what the other people around you are doing, and whatever happening in your life isn’t of your concern for those couple hours. For that short time, your life is on that screen.

The production of a film is incredible. Something that is often under-appreciated is just how many people put an effort to one film. To really understand the work input, I decided to pop in one of my favorite films, ‘The Departed’ and counted every name I could during the ending credits (also known as, “the boring part.”) I got 327 names. Every working member has a shot to put their touch on the canvas of a film masterpiece. From the big guys like the Director and Screenwriters, to the little guys like the caterer, everyone has a part. So no matter how terrible a movie may seem, I personally don’t believe any film can be deemed as a failure. There’s too much of a group production, working together, putting hundreds of hours of their lives into the two hours of yours.

Knowing this information, when im going through the movie department and I see that a movie is around 20 dollars, I don’t think “20 dollars? Ughh.” I think of the effort from all the people, the blood sweat and tears, and think “ONLY 20 DOLLARS? WHAT A COUNTRY!” No matter how badly i wan’t to crap on a movie like Transformers, when i think of everything that was put into it, i can’t.

Lol…..Transformers.

That’s the great thing about movies. Since it’s an art, no one is to say that your taste is bad, it’s a preference. Who’s to tell you what you love, and what’s right? You don’t know what’s going through the mind of everyone in production. No one can truly be certain of the message being put out, only the person working behind it truly knows. So who’s to really decipher an artist’s expression? No one but that person. Before anyone can say a movie is bad, im sure another filmgoer will think their taste is bad as well. It’s all about preference.

Movies are art, and if you can’t love them than you can at least appreciate them. I can’t imagine the world without film, we’ve gotten so used to it that we’re quick to forget the novelty that is a movie. I don’t see a world without it, because the magic of a film is in all of us. We all have our stories to tell, and everyone has that creativity, you just need that little push to make your masterpiece. As for me, i’m going to enjoy movies for the rest of my life, always. And i hope to share some of the greatness with you. So go out and enjoy a great movie, there’s more to it than you think. I leave you with this, here’s looking at you kid. Take care fellow cinema lovers.

Local 7-Year-Old upset over receiving Stupid Goldfish for Easter.

Angry-Kid

Easter is one of the wonderful times for families to come together and bond over delicious food, enjoy great company, and most importantly to recognize Christ.

Unfortunately, this was all but so for one perturbed young soul.

It is reported that local resident Thomas “Tommy” Ashton has been throwing somewhat of a hissy fit over receiving “Stupid” Goldfish instead of candy for the third year in a row. Like most kids his age, Tommy was expecting an Easter basket full of the annual chocolate eggs, Reese’s cups, and Peeps. Instead, he was given a burlap sack chock full of Goldfish packs plus a subscription to Zoobooks. The crappiest of all children’s magazines.

In short, Tommy was in a complete absence of all happiness and retorted with a violent slew of words towards his parents. To keep this article accurate, we will give you what he said in all caps.

(While sobbing) “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GUYS GAVE ME STUPID GOLDFISH AGAIN! I TELL YOU EVERY YEAR THAT I WANT M&M’S THEY DON’T EVEN MELT IN YOUR HAND BUT INSTEAD YOU GUYS ALWAYS GIVE ME STUPID GOLDFISH AND I-”

Tommy was briefly distracted by a squirrel jumping from one tree to another.

“AND-AND IM SO TIRED OF GETTING STUPID GOLDFISH FROM YOU STUPID PARENTS! THEY’RE NOT EVEN THE PRETZEL KIND THEY JUST DONT TASTE GOOD BUT YOU GET THEM FOR ME EVERY YEAR! IM TIRED OF STUPID GOLDFISH FROM STUPID PARENTS THAT I HATE HATE HATE! GET THAT STUPID CAMERA OUT OF MY FACE!”

We counted 7 stupids.

Sources say that sibling Michael,15, informed that he could give a crap about his brother, or anything Easter related, aggressively stormed to his room and proceeded to blast Megadeth’s, “Rust In Peace” album. When asked why he turned the volume up to number 11, (exceeding LOUD) he answered that he needed that little push over the cliff.

We weren’t aware at the time that he was attempting a Spinal Tap joke, which only pissed him off even more. We’re sorry Mikey, (Can we call you Mikey?) it was an honest mistake.

We we’re eager to help the young Tommy, (who soiled himself in frustration) so we consulted to his parents Dean and Mary on why they insist on giving their son the piece-o-crap snack per year.

“Is that even a question?” Dean pompously replied.

“As a mother, i look out for the benefit of my son.” Mary kindly said, “And if that’s giving Thomas goldfish instead of skittles, then so be it. It saves him the inevitable doom of being strapped down in a dentist’s office having cavities filled in. He doesn’t realize that now because he’s so young. But when he does, i’ll be ready with arms wide open.”

Mary then bashfully admitted that “With Arms Wide Open” by Creed is actually her most favorite song of all time. Sources agreed that Mary was right to feel timid, and should’ve kept that information to herself.

Mary’s husband Dean then quickly intervened with a typical dad rant.

“I don’t know what the kid’s complaining about, he doesn’t even know what pain is. Know what i had to deal with when i was his age? In the winter i would warm up a potato for three minutes in the microwave, walk to school with that bad boy to keep me warm, and then y’know what i would do? I would EAT that potato for lunch. THAT’S called overcoming and adapting! Now all they wanna do is play Gamebox and sleep all day. If you wanna put some money in your pocket and a girl in shotgun, GET OFF YER ARSE AND DO SOMETHING WITH YER LIFE!”

Sources confirmed that Dean is a Douchebag.

It was then where thing’s turned ugly. After Dean was said and done with his spiel, it was a given to Mary that her husband is a meathead. Mary therefore was encouraged to discuss family priorities with her husband the meathead for the sake of the Ashtons. Being the meathead Dean is, the conversation progressed negatively into a scream fest that ended with, “Yeah well you suck just like your Roast Beef.”

Quickly aware of the possible consequences of what he said, Dean tried to pass off his statement as an April fool’s joke. A joke that WOULD’VE been pulled off cleverly but alas, he was off by one day.

In retortion to Dean’s inevitable menace, Mary then angrily grabbed her husband’s most prized possession, a Michael Vick autographed football, and threw it to their dogs to go to town on. And that they did.

Two hours later, Mary realized the irony of her actions, and laughed.

Since the unfortunate events that transpired that fateful evening, The husband and wife agreed to handle things more maturely from then on, to be an example to their children.

Sources say Michael still doesn’t give a crap though.

But wait, you’re probably asking yourself…What of our Protagonist Tommy?

About 30 minutes after events of the Goldfish, Tommy quickly forgot of any hatred he had for his parents and Goldfish when his favorite show The Walking Dead came on. Tommy’s poor 7-year-old mind gave in of course, to the violent nature of the program. That being something that his parent’s didn’t care too much about. Because hey, as long as they’re not showing graphic nudity then its okay, right?

Hatred was forgotten due to The Walking Dead.

Sources however confirm that Tommy still and will forever hate Zoobooks, just like every other kid in America.