Don’t chatter! Gossiping borders on treason!

You know me. And i know me. And i know that you know that i know me. So you KNOW that the legend of the blog is way past due. Much like the rent. You must forgive me for not writing in a hot minute, my brother was home from the military for about 2 weeks so my family and i tried to make the best of him being here. Now that he’s on his way back, i too will resort back to my typing ways, and maybe even cry a little bit. Like you’ve anticipated. Uhh uh i mean men don’t cry, our eyes sweat.

I’m aware that you have eagerly been checking back on Danielfelushia.wordpress every 10-15 minutes. I’m aware that your wife/husband has been nagging you to come back to bed when you would persist that maybe, just MAYBE…if you stare at that computer screen and refresh the page enough, you’ll get something new. Well if that’s the case, then you’re a lucky man/woman. Cause here i am, ready to rock you like a hurricane.

The Scorpions rock out at a concert in Lithuania

Fuicanation, i am thrilled to have read up on some incredible news that i should have been fond of 4 months ago. And before you think i’m talking about Kim Kardashian’s weight gain, guess again universe.

The series that the world came to know as Gossip Girl was FINALLY put out of its misery as of December 17th. Why didn’t i hear of it? Odds are i was raving about Django Unchained so much as to not give a damn about anything else in the world. Kind of like how 4 month’s later, when i still rave about Django Unchained to not give a damn about anything else in the world.

With an exception of you, Ellen.

ellen1

Now i really don’t enjoy antagonizing, but when it comes to a show like this i can’t help it, especially when gossip is the pinnacle of what’s going down in that 22 minutes of No.

Gossip. Gossip gossip gossip gossip. Fuicazoids, can i be honest? Being a dude who strongly dislikes conflict, one can comfortably assume that i very much do not enjoy Gossip.

I do not like them. I do not like them Sam i am. I would not like it here or there, i do not enjoy gossip anywhere. (Do you like that? Came up with it totally by myself, i should be one of dem poets)

If you gossip about someone odds are someone’s talking about you as well. Who wins in these situations? Nobody! Yet EVERYBODY feels that gossip is a necessity next to breathing. And fine dining.

It’s as if you don’t gossip, then you don’t function like a normal human being. Which probably explains why i haven’t defecated in 3 weeks. Oh what, does the OFFEND you? It OFFENDS you that i don’t like gossip? Well what if it OFFENDS me when people talk behind others backs, HMMMMMMMM? Maybe you should be a little more sensitive to my bodily dysfunctions rather than ignorantly antagonizing me with fightin’ words, you ass.

So what if i don’t gossip, and so what if i don’t defecate? I’ll just die then. I’ll just die a slow and painful, crappy death, no pun intended. If i’m lucky you guys will probably gossip about that too.

“BAHAHAHA AND I EVEN HEARD HE DOWNED 3 BOTTLES OF LAXATIVE! WHAT AN IDIOT!

It really beats me to why people insist on gossip all the time. I’m up for some good conversation at anytime, but damn. I don’t want to hear about how unfortunate your boss looks like in yoga pants. It’s bad enough that you’re looking there in the first place you sick pervert, why can’t you be more perfect like me? Or Neil Patrick Harris?

neil-patrick-harris

It’s very hard to focus on what’s ahead of me in life when all i hear anymore is:

“Oh i heard!”

“Hey did you see?”

“I know right??”

“Obama”

“Oh i can’t believe he said that!”

“OH MY GOD!”

“Obama”

“Did you hear?”

“I have to show you what this person said!”

“That’s so not true!”

“Obama”

“Obama”

“OBAMA”

We all like to believe that the drama ends in high school but childrens, it does not. Just when you’re pushing your late 40’s and you think that you have the best of life, finally taming that receding hairline, punishing your son for listening to Creed, living the good life…one of these bad boys gets thrown into the picture.

Cooler - Bottle 016 (3)

Anybody who’s anybody knows that when you have one of these “waterjugs” in the office, you’re in for some thirst quenching issues. Trouble coming in the form of hatin’ words that you can easily avoid, thank God i’m here to save your hide! Save yourself the trouble and bring in a water bottle instead. Believe me, nothing says Kool like a water bottle.

kool

Let’s fast forward some time, you’re pushing around 65+. The problem’s of society no longer are really to your concern. Yes, what’s going on is relevant but you’re old now, and you don’t really give a crap. The only thing on your mind is when the refried beans will be served, or if that attractive nurse will stop by to “check up on you.” Dont you even worry, you got her in your pocket, old boy.

In this stage of your life, i bet you think “Hey, we’re all a little pruney now, what’s the worst that us old folks could say about one another?” ALAS. THESE ARE ALL LIES.

tania-spencer-2006-knitting-in-circles_(5)__medium

Don’t let the smiling faces deceive you, only a fool wouldn’t know that the knitting circle is a hot spot for all things gossip. My best advice in this situation, croak over and pretend to die. You’re older now, its viable. Maybe if it’s a good day, your favorite nurse will come over to “check up on you.”

Gossip is everywhere, all your life, all around you. And you will never be able to escape from it. UNLESS, when someone approaches you steaming up a hot gossip (you can see it in their eyes) don’t hesitate to give a swift roundhouse kick to the face. You shouldn’t be wary to break a hip or two, they had it coming, they only had themselves to blame. Aren’t you glad you take advice from me?

I bring on all the gossipers. Say something upsetting and expect to have your day made.

Expect it.

Expect it like you’re expecting Jesus to come back.

By the way this is completely off topic, but did you know that Renner is still Renner backwards? What a country.

renner

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