5-D

Before you embark on the wonderful mystery that is my blog, i must inform you in advance that just because of the title, NO, this post isn’t about bra sizes. You mewling quim. So please leave your wisecracks, kneeslappers, and good humor at the door. Because this isn’t a place for jokes, and if anyone thinks that then they just bought themselves a one way ticket to Hell. That being, the chokey. So save it for a mammal that cares.

mammal

So what’s the hot topic today Daniel? What’s the scuttlebutt? I’ll tell you what the butt is.

The butt is hollywood re-releasing every frakin movie in theaters that you already own.

IN 3-D 

I’d understand the magic of re-releasing a film that you were too young to experience in a theater, that’s cool and everything. However the catch is evident when it’s in the 3rd dimension, and you have to double your ticket price. That’s not cool fellas, that hurts.

There have been many film’s in recent years that have been re-released in 3-D. Films such as Titanic, Lion King, Jurassic Park, Star Wars, Finding Nemo, the list can go on for miles. And despite us loving practically all of the above (with an exception of that one “Phantom Menace”) You and i both know it’s not worth nearly $20 to watch something in 3-D that you’ve owned for years. I mean do you really need to re-witness these?

“Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.”

IN 3-D

“There was this mollusk, and he walks up to this sea cucumber. Normally, they don’t talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke everyone talks. So the sea mollusk says to the cucumber…Nemo!”

IN 3-D

“Meesa Jar Jar Binks!

IN…no i’ll just stop there.

I think most people are pretty content with their 2 Titanic tapes, practically everyone i know own it. PLUS, you even have the option of just popping in the second tape instead of watching the whole movie. You the viewer, have the liberty of skipping right to the portion of the movie where everyone dies!

IN 2-D

The only film on the list that i would MAYBE see in 3-D is of course, Jurassic Park.

What? You think i want to see it for the groundbreaking visuals that proved it to be a breakthrough for it’s time? Hell no! We all just wanna see Jeff Goldblum in all of his natural glories!

the goldblum

That’s a lot of Goldlblum. Can you handle all that Goldblum? They should’ve just named it Goldblum Park.

I miss the good old days, when 3-D was actually someone extending their index finger in your face saying, “Look over THERRRRE!” At least they were humble attempts to interact with the audience, and of course it’s silly. You’re watching a movie while wearing glasses that have red and blue plastic lenses, what were you expecting? The Godfather?

“I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse.”

IN 3-D

Don’t expect super quality cinema when it look’s like you’ve just walked out of a disco tripping on E.

Hell, i’ll even settle for Shark boy and Lava girl as an original 3-D movie. And that…is being VERY generous. Come on Robert Rodriguez, WHY? The world knows you could’ve done better. You had us all sold with El Mariachi and “Mexican’t”.

And guys, for the love. What the hell. What the HELL is THIS?

glasses

Why are they trying to make 3-D glasses hip? Those glasses don’t make me wan’t to watch a silly movie. They make me want to bust out singing Greased Lightning. And boy i’ll tell you, it’s already an obstacle to not do that on a daily.

Lightn1

You know what, since so many are keen to succumbing to money guzzling schemes such as re-releasing films in 3-D, i’ll develop the category. I believe we’ve evolved all the way up to 4-D in technology. An example of the 4th dimension being, say while watching a film a character sneezes. When said person sneezes, you’d get a spritz of water on you. Or so we’d like to think.

That’s the 4-D kicking in, that’s right. You payed $70 to get sprayed in the face with what you’re hoping is water.

Not me, Im going to make sure you get your moneys worth America.

Instead i will introduce 5-D to the show business. My idea is similar to the 4th dimension, however i’d like more so to get the audience involved rather than having some playful water sprayed on you. Or so we’d like to think.

No no, my idea will be much more different. Pertaining to the situations on the screen, you will have objects thrown at you. Example, let’s say a drive by is occurring in your latest mob flick.

All i can say is i hope you brought your bulletproof vests.

Essentially what i’m getting at here is, if you’re not killed by the hatchet thrown in your general direction, then you may have your money back. And Godspeed. You’ve earned it.

People will be dying to see my films, NOW THAT’S GOOD CINEMA.

\m/

Oh one more thing, help this girl get a good scholarship. She’s pretty great.

http://www.wyzant.com/scholarships/v3/essay80033-Easton-PA.aspx

All you have to do is click on the voting button, it’s that easy!

‘merica!

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