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Dat Assh-ton

I had an epiphany strike me tonight while i was at my home away from home. That being, Burger King. And no, it wasn’t that if i continued my burger diet, that i will probably die.

No this thought is more important that my pointless death, as a matter of fact it’s about a friend.

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My friend Dylan.

The epiphany was that i never mentioned that guy in a blog post yet, something that i vowed to do right away. I failed the clan. And more importantly, i failed you Dylan. I was reminded of this abomination by none other than “the great one” when i was sinking my teeth into the delicious double cheeseburger. A cheeseburger that will inevitably result in my untimely demise.

I said, “Don’t worry Dylan, i’ll mention you in a blog post soon enough. I just need to focus on other things in my life right now, like establishing world peace and regrouping the White Stripes-” But that crazy bastard wasn’t having it. He swatted the heart attack right out of my hands, held me up against the wall by my bib and said, and i quote:

“You are physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, vulgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid, you have no taste, a lousy sense of humor and you smell.”

Just kidding. He didn’t say any of that. I just wanted to go out of my way to use a Cher quote in this post.

If anyone knows Dylan, they know that Cher is essential and must be included. If not, you’re in danger of the gallows.

Little did Dylan know that instead of mentioning him in a mediocre sentence, that i would instead devote an entire blog post to him for all of my 10 billion fans to see. What’s that you say? The world only occupies 7 billion people? Yes i’m aware of this. However i doubt you’re aware that even the angels in Heaven are regulars to my blog. They’re always like, “Daniel, when you writing a new blog dawg?” and im always like, “Maaaan, don’t you have someone to be saving right now?”

Even the demons in Hell have my blog liberties. To them, my blog is the rarest joy that they’ll ever witness. A joy more rare than finding a Burger King bathroom that’s actually clean. I keep ignoring that fact since im a devoted patron of the BK lounge. I’m sorry, i keep getting sidetracked by that place.

This post is about Dylan. How could you describe him? I have a few words:

Intelligent, Bold, Talented, Trustworthy, Kind, Likable, Elegant, Funny, Rare, Incredible, Unfathomable, Awesome, Striking, Humble, Majestic, Generous, Inspirational, Considerate, Amiable, Creative, Fabulous, Just, Outstanding, Incredible. What, i already said that? I was emphasizing.

Those are just to name a few. I’m proposing right now that Dylans presence should be followed by a cake, as well as a hallelujah choir. Currently im at work on copyrighting his name, for every time somebody says it they will owe Dylan a dollar. But before you think that’s selfish, all the money that Dylan receives will actually go towards an academy that will educate underprivileged students the skills on how to be as awesome as Dylan. It will be called “Dylan’s Academy of Awesome.” (DAA)

I think a formal education like DAA is required to reach the level of Dylan’s novelty. Anyone who knows Dylan (which is everybody) can agree on that one. Take what these celebrities have to say about Dylan for example:

“Dylan Ashton? That kid is as cool as my mustache.”Tom Selleck

“One time Dylan punched me in the face. I’m never washing my face again.”Chuck Norris

“Wow. Just wow.”Jesus Christ

I don’t know about you, but that last one is moving.

To express my appreciation, i’ve written Dylan a poem. To be more appropriate, im going to compose it in his second language, French. Cause if anyone knows Dylan, they know that he’s all about the french. Or should i say, Francais.

This poem will be titled in Dylan’s french name, Dylan.

Dylan

Dylan, vous êtes tout.
Vous pouvez changer le monde avec un swing simple
Vous avez touché quelques grands notes quand vous chantez.

Vous faites chacun faire une double prise.
Im envisage sérieusement sur ​​ce gâteau.

Vous pourriez peut-être jamais déranger personne.
Il est sûr de dire que vous êtes pur comme une nonne.

Le monde wouldnt la même sans vous.
Votre absence causerait un boo universel.

Alors s’il vous plaît pour l’amour du monde Ne pas nous laisser partir.
Il ya beaucoup de gens qui veulent que vous sachiez que,

Dylan, vous êtes tout.

Like it? I learned french overnight to write that bad boy. What, you don’t believe me? You think i used Google translate? Listen, if Iron Man can become an expert in thermonuclear astrophysics overnight then who says i can’t learn french? Haters.

Dylan is the pinnacle of human existence, and i along with many others are lucky to have a friend like him in my life. Dylan, you’re the best. Here is your blog post, i hope you liked it.

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One last thing to mention before i go, and i know it’s been on all your minds. Anyone who knows Dylan knows that his butt is equivalent to that of a black woman’s. (Somewhat out of this world if you may.) Curiosity takes on the toll of all who see it, and anyone who’s rational wonders, “Is it as comfortable as a pillow?”

So yes, i had the chance to lay on it once upon a time. And pardon my french, but Dylan’s rump is so comfortable that you would be quick to forget that he shits out of it.

\m/

5-D

Before you embark on the wonderful mystery that is my blog, i must inform you in advance that just because of the title, NO, this post isn’t about bra sizes. You mewling quim. So please leave your wisecracks, kneeslappers, and good humor at the door. Because this isn’t a place for jokes, and if anyone thinks that then they just bought themselves a one way ticket to Hell. That being, the chokey. So save it for a mammal that cares.

mammal

So what’s the hot topic today Daniel? What’s the scuttlebutt? I’ll tell you what the butt is.

The butt is hollywood re-releasing every frakin movie in theaters that you already own.

IN 3-D 

I’d understand the magic of re-releasing a film that you were too young to experience in a theater, that’s cool and everything. However the catch is evident when it’s in the 3rd dimension, and you have to double your ticket price. That’s not cool fellas, that hurts.

There have been many film’s in recent years that have been re-released in 3-D. Films such as Titanic, Lion King, Jurassic Park, Star Wars, Finding Nemo, the list can go on for miles. And despite us loving practically all of the above (with an exception of that one “Phantom Menace”) You and i both know it’s not worth nearly $20 to watch something in 3-D that you’ve owned for years. I mean do you really need to re-witness these?

“Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.”

IN 3-D

“There was this mollusk, and he walks up to this sea cucumber. Normally, they don’t talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke everyone talks. So the sea mollusk says to the cucumber…Nemo!”

IN 3-D

“Meesa Jar Jar Binks!

IN…no i’ll just stop there.

I think most people are pretty content with their 2 Titanic tapes, practically everyone i know own it. PLUS, you even have the option of just popping in the second tape instead of watching the whole movie. You the viewer, have the liberty of skipping right to the portion of the movie where everyone dies!

IN 2-D

The only film on the list that i would MAYBE see in 3-D is of course, Jurassic Park.

What? You think i want to see it for the groundbreaking visuals that proved it to be a breakthrough for it’s time? Hell no! We all just wanna see Jeff Goldblum in all of his natural glories!

the goldblum

That’s a lot of Goldlblum. Can you handle all that Goldblum? They should’ve just named it Goldblum Park.

I miss the good old days, when 3-D was actually someone extending their index finger in your face saying, “Look over THERRRRE!” At least they were humble attempts to interact with the audience, and of course it’s silly. You’re watching a movie while wearing glasses that have red and blue plastic lenses, what were you expecting? The Godfather?

“I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse.”

IN 3-D

Don’t expect super quality cinema when it look’s like you’ve just walked out of a disco tripping on E.

Hell, i’ll even settle for Shark boy and Lava girl as an original 3-D movie. And that…is being VERY generous. Come on Robert Rodriguez, WHY? The world knows you could’ve done better. You had us all sold with El Mariachi and “Mexican’t”.

And guys, for the love. What the hell. What the HELL is THIS?

glasses

Why are they trying to make 3-D glasses hip? Those glasses don’t make me wan’t to watch a silly movie. They make me want to bust out singing Greased Lightning. And boy i’ll tell you, it’s already an obstacle to not do that on a daily.

Lightn1

You know what, since so many are keen to succumbing to money guzzling schemes such as re-releasing films in 3-D, i’ll develop the category. I believe we’ve evolved all the way up to 4-D in technology. An example of the 4th dimension being, say while watching a film a character sneezes. When said person sneezes, you’d get a spritz of water on you. Or so we’d like to think.

That’s the 4-D kicking in, that’s right. You payed $70 to get sprayed in the face with what you’re hoping is water.

Not me, Im going to make sure you get your moneys worth America.

Instead i will introduce 5-D to the show business. My idea is similar to the 4th dimension, however i’d like more so to get the audience involved rather than having some playful water sprayed on you. Or so we’d like to think.

No no, my idea will be much more different. Pertaining to the situations on the screen, you will have objects thrown at you. Example, let’s say a drive by is occurring in your latest mob flick.

All i can say is i hope you brought your bulletproof vests.

Essentially what i’m getting at here is, if you’re not killed by the hatchet thrown in your general direction, then you may have your money back. And Godspeed. You’ve earned it.

People will be dying to see my films, NOW THAT’S GOOD CINEMA.

\m/

Oh one more thing, help this girl get a good scholarship. She’s pretty great.

http://www.wyzant.com/scholarships/v3/essay80033-Easton-PA.aspx

All you have to do is click on the voting button, it’s that easy!

‘merica!

Don’t chatter! Gossiping borders on treason!

You know me. And i know me. And i know that you know that i know me. So you KNOW that the legend of the blog is way past due. Much like the rent. You must forgive me for not writing in a hot minute, my brother was home from the military for about 2 weeks so my family and i tried to make the best of him being here. Now that he’s on his way back, i too will resort back to my typing ways, and maybe even cry a little bit. Like you’ve anticipated. Uhh uh i mean men don’t cry, our eyes sweat.

I’m aware that you have eagerly been checking back on Danielfelushia.wordpress every 10-15 minutes. I’m aware that your wife/husband has been nagging you to come back to bed when you would persist that maybe, just MAYBE…if you stare at that computer screen and refresh the page enough, you’ll get something new. Well if that’s the case, then you’re a lucky man/woman. Cause here i am, ready to rock you like a hurricane.

The Scorpions rock out at a concert in Lithuania

Fuicanation, i am thrilled to have read up on some incredible news that i should have been fond of 4 months ago. And before you think i’m talking about Kim Kardashian’s weight gain, guess again universe.

The series that the world came to know as Gossip Girl was FINALLY put out of its misery as of December 17th. Why didn’t i hear of it? Odds are i was raving about Django Unchained so much as to not give a damn about anything else in the world. Kind of like how 4 month’s later, when i still rave about Django Unchained to not give a damn about anything else in the world.

With an exception of you, Ellen.

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Now i really don’t enjoy antagonizing, but when it comes to a show like this i can’t help it, especially when gossip is the pinnacle of what’s going down in that 22 minutes of No.

Gossip. Gossip gossip gossip gossip. Fuicazoids, can i be honest? Being a dude who strongly dislikes conflict, one can comfortably assume that i very much do not enjoy Gossip.

I do not like them. I do not like them Sam i am. I would not like it here or there, i do not enjoy gossip anywhere. (Do you like that? Came up with it totally by myself, i should be one of dem poets)

If you gossip about someone odds are someone’s talking about you as well. Who wins in these situations? Nobody! Yet EVERYBODY feels that gossip is a necessity next to breathing. And fine dining.

It’s as if you don’t gossip, then you don’t function like a normal human being. Which probably explains why i haven’t defecated in 3 weeks. Oh what, does the OFFEND you? It OFFENDS you that i don’t like gossip? Well what if it OFFENDS me when people talk behind others backs, HMMMMMMMM? Maybe you should be a little more sensitive to my bodily dysfunctions rather than ignorantly antagonizing me with fightin’ words, you ass.

So what if i don’t gossip, and so what if i don’t defecate? I’ll just die then. I’ll just die a slow and painful, crappy death, no pun intended. If i’m lucky you guys will probably gossip about that too.

“BAHAHAHA AND I EVEN HEARD HE DOWNED 3 BOTTLES OF LAXATIVE! WHAT AN IDIOT!

It really beats me to why people insist on gossip all the time. I’m up for some good conversation at anytime, but damn. I don’t want to hear about how unfortunate your boss looks like in yoga pants. It’s bad enough that you’re looking there in the first place you sick pervert, why can’t you be more perfect like me? Or Neil Patrick Harris?

neil-patrick-harris

It’s very hard to focus on what’s ahead of me in life when all i hear anymore is:

“Oh i heard!”

“Hey did you see?”

“I know right??”

“Obama”

“Oh i can’t believe he said that!”

“OH MY GOD!”

“Obama”

“Did you hear?”

“I have to show you what this person said!”

“That’s so not true!”

“Obama”

“Obama”

“OBAMA”

We all like to believe that the drama ends in high school but childrens, it does not. Just when you’re pushing your late 40’s and you think that you have the best of life, finally taming that receding hairline, punishing your son for listening to Creed, living the good life…one of these bad boys gets thrown into the picture.

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Anybody who’s anybody knows that when you have one of these “waterjugs” in the office, you’re in for some thirst quenching issues. Trouble coming in the form of hatin’ words that you can easily avoid, thank God i’m here to save your hide! Save yourself the trouble and bring in a water bottle instead. Believe me, nothing says Kool like a water bottle.

kool

Let’s fast forward some time, you’re pushing around 65+. The problem’s of society no longer are really to your concern. Yes, what’s going on is relevant but you’re old now, and you don’t really give a crap. The only thing on your mind is when the refried beans will be served, or if that attractive nurse will stop by to “check up on you.” Dont you even worry, you got her in your pocket, old boy.

In this stage of your life, i bet you think “Hey, we’re all a little pruney now, what’s the worst that us old folks could say about one another?” ALAS. THESE ARE ALL LIES.

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Don’t let the smiling faces deceive you, only a fool wouldn’t know that the knitting circle is a hot spot for all things gossip. My best advice in this situation, croak over and pretend to die. You’re older now, its viable. Maybe if it’s a good day, your favorite nurse will come over to “check up on you.”

Gossip is everywhere, all your life, all around you. And you will never be able to escape from it. UNLESS, when someone approaches you steaming up a hot gossip (you can see it in their eyes) don’t hesitate to give a swift roundhouse kick to the face. You shouldn’t be wary to break a hip or two, they had it coming, they only had themselves to blame. Aren’t you glad you take advice from me?

I bring on all the gossipers. Say something upsetting and expect to have your day made.

Expect it.

Expect it like you’re expecting Jesus to come back.

By the way this is completely off topic, but did you know that Renner is still Renner backwards? What a country.

renner