Marvin, what do you make of all this?

Man he doesn’t even have an opinion. And not just because you blew his head off silly silly John Travolta

We all have our familiar questions in life ladies and gentlemen.

Why does it hurt when i pee? Why does the shower sound like hissing demons? Where do babies come from? Folks, for some things we’ll just never have the answer, and that’s completely fine. Although i have strong confidence that we come from the bellybutton. (Also known as the “Umbilicus” for the scientist’s reading this.) That’s a discussion for another time.

Aside from the usual questions us curious humans ask, one question in particular that has been raised a lot to me lately. And no, its not “Haii, wuss dat thing on yor ear?”

“You JUST got Pulp Fiction now?”

Which is usually followed by something like “Dooood, you havent LIIIIIIVED.”

I can see why people would react this dramatically. Not just because Pulp Fiction is one of the greatest films ever made, but if you know me, you know that i LOVE film with a passion. Like, an Edward and Bella kind of love. It’s getting pretty serious guys, I’m about ready to make it Facebook official.

Hell, i love film so much that i refer to all movies as FILM, and nothing else.

“Hey, did you catch that new flick that came out?” “As a matter of fact i haven’t….but i did see that new film if that’s what you mean.”

There’s even a name for people that love film like i do. Since “People who sit around and watch films for fun” sounds too lazy, the correct term is Cinephile. Now….that is not to be mistaken for Pedophile. You wouldn’t believe the crap i got for that.

“Now show us on this doll where the bad man touched you.”

I will uncover the mystery now. Growing up in a Christian household, i dont think my parents would be too fond of letting me watch the intensity that is Pulp Fiction, or any other film of that nature. As you all saw, the scene up there isn’t exactly happy family friendly cinema. I dont blame them for not wanting to defile my beautiful pure virgin eyes. Alright….actually i have a guilty confession to make…these eyes aren’t that innocent. I may or may not have seen a nipple at the superbowl.

So yup, thats it. My parents were looking out for me. that was totes the truth. And nothing but the truth so help me God.

……………………

Help me God, that wasn’t the truth.

Okay folks, the REAL truth is…….for a good majority of my life, i was terrified of violent or scary films. (I dont know, im a sensitive guy! Sue me!) So what do you get when you put the violent and scary elements together? We call that a cinematic living Hell. Perfect example of this, the Saw series.

It was the end of 6th grade, everybody who was anybody had a graduation party. (Of course i didn’t have one,  so that means i was a nobody. But momma says there’s nothing wrong with being different.) So i was invited to a friends party and thought “Sure, whats the worst that can happen? It’s not like there’s going to be a Saw II viewing at this party.”

haha

WRONG.

Much to my misfortune they DID show Saw II, and yes you guessed it, I was terrified. “oh…oh….OH MY GOD! THAT BLADE DOESNT BELONG THERE! HOW DID THAT FREAKIN’ KEY GET BEHIND THERE?! JUST HACK IT OFF ALREADY YOU IDIOT YOU’RE DYING!”

I remember before the movie started i approached a friend of mine (who will remain anonymous) and said “Hey…if there’s any scary parts coming up, just let me know okay?”

She responded with “…..You’re joking right?”

I retorted with “….uhhh YEAH! psshhh come on, you think i was serious??? hahaha lets go watch this movie already.”  I was digging my own grave. Let’s just say after the horrors of that viewing, i didn’t make any appearances at graduation parties that summer. I was just glad that my Saw viewing days were over.

Fast forward a couple years, another friend of mine (who will remain anonymous) was having a birthday party. After the Saw stint, i kept a low profile with parties. But this person was a really good friend, so it’s not like i wasn’t gonna go. I thought to myself, “Self, go ahead and have fun. This is one of your best friend’s here so what can happen? Its not like there’s going to be a Saw 4 viewing at this party.”

jaja

LIES.

Alas, all the idiots in attendance decided they wanted to watch the latest Saw movie. It was at that moment i thought, “God…..Why do you hate me?”

I wasn’t gonna go upstairs and hang out with all the old people! Ewww! So yes, we all proceeded to watch Saw 4. I sat behind this big chair the whole time making bizarre comments pretending i was all cool with a K. When in reality, just like 6th grade Daniel…..i was terrified.

“OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD! SEESAW’S ARE NOT MEANT TO BE USED LIKE THAT! WHY DO YOU HAVE A CASSETTE IN YOUR STOMACH?! RUN! RUN YOU IDIOT, RUUUUN!”

After that, this guy wasn’t present at any parties. It wasn’t until my junior year of high school that my fear of aggressively violent movies decided to fade away. Just like that, poof. Often i think to myself, couldn’t that have come sooner? Before i nearly crapped my pants at any film that would come my way? It just disappeared and i couldn’t be happier. Now, my film life has been running really smooth, no problems watching a movie like Pulp Fiction or Django Unchained.

If you were to come up to me now and ask to watch a Saw movie, HELL! I’d say put it in. Test me. Let’s go a couple rounds Jigsaw. Back then i was Daniel, but now i am Danimal. And i have no fear for any movie. You hear that you stupid tricycle riding puppet?

YOU’RE NOT SCARY. YOU’RE A STUPID PALE MIGIT WITH GAY ROSEY CHEEKS AND A RECEDING MULLET.

So Marvin, what DO you make of all this?